When Is It OK?

***WARNING...if foul language offends you then skip this post because I am in a foul mood and it's bound to come out***

So when is it ok to throw your hands up and say I give the fuck up? How much does a person keep fighting?

I feel like I have been in  one constant battle for the past 4 months. Battling my ex, battling my daughter, battling with my husband, battling with bipolar and depression, battling the stupidity at work. I'm tired of the fights, I'm tired of the emotional drainage and I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning in my own life. I try so hard to please everyone and make them happy. Yet it seems to be a constant fail.


I had to battle my ex in court for custody of my son. He lied...viciously and he was given custody. I can't even begin to explain the pain that caused me. The anguish I went through. But I had Christmas right around the corner and I had a family to make happy during the holidays. So I put my big girl panties on and tried my best. I think I succeeded a little. I know the kids had a good Christmas, they were all happy with their gifts.

Bipolar and stress don't go well together. Bipolar and holidays don't go well together...because they tend to be stressful. I've been on such an emotional roller coaster my head is spinning out of control. Most days the meds work, but there are days that seems like I had nothing at all even though I have. My energy is completely depleted because of all the emotional damage and the stress. 

My daughter...well you read about that the other day. Some of you I scared, and some of you are going through similar situations and can understand what I'm going through. I'm so very sorry for all the crap I put my parents through and never realized what emotional strain it put on them. I honestly have no idea how they came out with hair.


My marriage...well that's been an ongoing battle. I feel like I try and try and fail. I guess where I feel like I'm trying, he feels like I'm not. I've been struggling to hold on and the past 2 days...the fights and me feeling uncared for, disrespected and as if there is no understanding or compassion. Some days I feel as if I'm the only one who cares, other days he can make me feel like the most amazing person in the world. That in its self is an emotional roller coaster. 

My job...well I feel unappreciated most the time. I am sick of some people getting away with crap and knowing if I did it, I'd be out the door in a heart beat. I work and work, I fill in for people and I do more than my job description....A LOT more. I do anything that is asked of me. I know my immediate super visor appreciates me and she is constantly telling me so. But it's the worry of losing my job every single day. And well now that fear just jumped by 1000%. 


Don't get me wrong....I love my husband...I love my kids...and I love my job. I am just fed up at this point. I'm tired of everything. I'm ready to throw in the towel and say I give the fuck up!