Tuesday, February 8, 2011

When Is It OK?

***WARNING...if foul language offends you then skip this post because I am in a foul mood and it's bound to come out***

So when is it ok to throw your hands up and say I give the fuck up? How much does a person keep fighting?

I feel like I have been in  one constant battle for the past 4 months. Battling my ex, battling my daughter, battling with my husband, battling with bipolar and depression, battling the stupidity at work. I'm tired of the fights, I'm tired of the emotional drainage and I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning in my own life. I try so hard to please everyone and make them happy. Yet it seems to be a constant fail.

I had to battle my ex in court for custody of my son. He lied...viciously and he was given custody. I can't even begin to explain the pain that caused me. The anguish I went through. But I had Christmas right around the corner and I had a family to make happy during the holidays. So I put my big girl panties on and tried my best. I think I succeeded a little. I know the kids had a good Christmas, they were all happy with their gifts.

Bipolar and stress don't go well together. Bipolar and holidays don't go well together...because they tend to be stressful. I've been on such an emotional roller coaster my head is spinning out of control. Most days the meds work, but there are days that seems like I had nothing at all even though I have. My energy is completely depleted because of all the emotional damage and the stress. 

My daughter...well you read about that the other day. Some of you I scared, and some of you are going through similar situations and can understand what I'm going through. I'm so very sorry for all the crap I put my parents through and never realized what emotional strain it put on them. I honestly have no idea how they came out with hair.

My marriage...well that's been an ongoing battle. I feel like I try and try and fail. I guess where I feel like I'm trying, he feels like I'm not. I've been struggling to hold on and the past 2 days...the fights and me feeling uncared for, disrespected and as if there is no understanding or compassion. Some days I feel as if I'm the only one who cares, other days he can make me feel like the most amazing person in the world. That in its self is an emotional roller coaster. 

My job...well I feel unappreciated most the time. I am sick of some people getting away with crap and knowing if I did it, I'd be out the door in a heart beat. I work and work, I fill in for people and I do more than my job description....A LOT more. I do anything that is asked of me. I know my immediate super visor appreciates me and she is constantly telling me so. But it's the worry of losing my job every single day. And well now that fear just jumped by 1000%. 

Don't get me wrong....I love my husband...I love my kids...and I love my job. I am just fed up at this point. I'm tired of everything. I'm ready to throw in the towel and say I give the fuck up!


  1. Thank you so much for posting this! Honestly, I feel the same way and it is just nice to know that I am not alone. As women we never stop fighting.. : )

  2. I think more of us feel that way than you might think. Being a wife and mom is hard. But you add all of those other issues to it and some days it's damn near impossible to get through.

    You're not alone. Hang in there, okay?

  3. Melissa, I am so sorry about everything you're going through. Life is hard enough without constant battle at home with the ones you love and the ones who should have your back.

    Don't give up...just take some time off...time off pleasing everyone and time to make yourself happy. It seems to me that your family is so used to you making them happy that they are taking you for granted and don't realize you are entitled to your own happiness. I am a people pleaser like you, but you can't do it 24/7 especially when it's not returned.

    Take a break, say NO (they will not like it, but will still love you)and take a time to see what will make YOU happy. Write it down and show it to your family.

    I am so sorry about your son. That must be very difficult. My friend has been fighting for her son for last 3 years and her ex lies and scams.

  4. and now I am starting to just see how similar we are. I am so sorry you are fed up right now...it is times like this that we just want to throw our hands in the air and either run away or shut downs mentally.

    If you still feel love for your husband that is good it means you will come out on the other side. As for the ex situation...that sucks balls and I have no good advice for you there.

    Keep your head up, dance out your stresses and remember its you that has to be happy because if your not nothing will work!

  5. Aw, girl, I'm so sorry it's so shitty right now.
    Here's the deal, quit trying to make everyone else happy. You need to take care of yourself and then they will be happy because you're better.

  6. I'm sorry everything seems to be stressing you out at the same time. I hope venting it out on the blog helped a little. I like Mimi's advice to take care of yourself. You have to make yourself a priority.

  7. SO sorry....sometimes life is just one big shit sandwhich. Life is real, and a lot of the times it sucks, but we persevere and get through and make it out okay...
    breathe in, breathe out...repeat...
    you can do this, you can get through this...

  8. Breathe. Take a step back and take a short time out from the craziness...whether it's a hot bath, or some YOU time. Sometimes life hits us all at once...emotionally up or emotionally down. You are super! You will be OK. Pick the battles wisely and let the others go. And don't forget about yourself. Sometimes when we try to do everything for everyone else, we lose ourselves in the process. HUGS!

    And don't forget to laugh...it's the best medicine.

  9. I`m sending you a great big hug! It sounds like life sucks right now but hold on. It always has ebb and flow and it sounds like you`re due for some flow. Try to figure out how you can give yourself something special, tangible or not.

  10. I agree you need some YOU time. Like a few of the other ladies has said, stop trying to please everyone and take some time for you. Love you girl and you know I am a phone call away.

  11. Sounds like you could benefit from talking to someone. I say that honestly, not facetiously. Think about it....it might help! Sometimes it takes an unbiased third party who isn't emotionally invested to hear and sort out what's what and help you deal with some of the crap....hope that helps. Big hugs!

  12. Melissa, everyone feels this way sometimes, even though they won't "write it out". I can certainly understand about the X issue, and it's one of biggest stress ever.

    I just close my eyes at the end of the day, and face it in the morning.

  13. Sorry I'm just getting to this post Melissa. I'm sorry you are struggling. I can only imagine, I am not dealing with half the shit you are and I still want to give up sometimes. Hang in there! xoxo