Something you have to forgive yourself for. Part 2
If you missed Tuesdays post you can catch it here.
Tuesday I told you one thing that I need to forgive myself, which is one of 2 of the biggest things I need to forgive myself for. So today I give you the second.
Every Friday I got paid my mom and I would go to brunch. I was working 2 jobs at the time and trying very hard to make it. Mom and I would meet up after my first job and go to brunch before I went home and got ready to go to work at my second job. My mom was my babysitter also. So on this particular Friday, I went to work, and pulled in to her driveway to take her to brunch. She was getting ready to get in the car w/ my dad and leave. I was like what the heck? So mom says "Oh I knew you were tired from working over lastnight I didn't think we were going today" Silly mom, I wasn't going to break our dates, I loved them. So we all went, mom, dad, the kids and myself.
Dad was taking mom to the store to get her this TV she wanted to so badly and a DVD player. The kids and I went to Shoney's and waited for them since it was right infront of WalMart where they went. We ate, we talked, we laughed. I looked at the time and freaked out because I didn't realize how late it was and I was going to be late for work. Well mom w/ her brand new TV and DVD player wanted to come to my house to get some DVD's to watch. Mostly she wanted to watch 8 Mile. So she took dad and the kids to their house, and I went home to get ready for work. Mom showed up pulled up behind me in my driveway and I ran the movies out to her, told her I had to go, jumped in my car to leave. Mom was pulling out slow, she knew I was in a hurry and was trying to not be in my way, but she was. Me being in a hurry and wanting her to move rolled down my window and in a huff said "You have got to move the F out of my way!" She did and off I went to work.
Fast forward 4 hours...I'm at work and my supervisor comes gets me, says there is someone here who needs to see you. I walked up front and there stood my dads friends wife w/ my kids. She looks at me and says "Your mom is in the hospital" The first words out of my mouth were "hows my dad?" See my dads reaction to things will tell all. They told me my dad was crying...I knew then it was bad. So I grabbed my stuff quickly and drove to the hospital. When I got in there my mom was laying there on life support. She'd had a heart attack and was in a coma. My mom never came out of that coma, we took her off life support 4 days later. I have yet to forgive myself for those last words I know she heard come out of me.
Oh sweetie. Your mom forgives you. I know she does. I know you feel guilty for that, but you're right, you need to forgive yourself. If it was your child that said that to you, you would have forgiven them. (HUGS)
ReplyDeleteYou poor sweetheart. Your mom probably just let those words fly right past her and they didn't stick a moment longer than when she heard them. I think it would hurt her to know you've been harboring pain over it all these years. I hope you find a way to let it go and forgive yourself. She would want that. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteoh my...I am certain that she didn't even worry about what you had said...you know yourself as a mommie that we don't let half of the things they say to us bother us...we can't!
ReplyDeleteI know she had to know how much you loved her and THAT is what you have to think on
HUGS
What a huge, heavy burden to be carrying. Know that your mom loved you very much, and I'm sure totally understood you were just in a hurry and stressed when you said what you did. We all do it, often without thinking...and certainly without thinking they're going to be our last words to that person. HUGS. It's OK to forgive yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh girl, she forgives you. I know she does. I'm so sorry. I would struggle with forgiving myself too. But you need to, she would want you to. I love you girl.
ReplyDeleteYour mom loves you unconditionally and forgives you completely. You have to find the place to forgive yourself. I struggle with forgiving myself with my dad's death too so I know it is much easier said than done. XXOO
ReplyDelete