30 Days of Truth - Day 3 - Part 1

Something you have to forgive yourself for. Part 1

I have a lot of things I need to forgive myself for. A lot of mistakes I have made through life and I beat myself up for. A lot of guilt for things I have said or done, yet can't let go even when others have forgiven or even forgotten. Not me I will never forget the look on someones face when I have hurt them.

When I was 17 I really did think life was so horrible it wasn't worth living. I had a daughter, I was young, and I couldn't support her on my own and I knew what that was doing to my parents. I felt like a horrible mom, I felt like a horrible daughter. I honestly felt the world would be a better place w/ out.

So I put my daughter to bed one night, went and asked my mom if she minded if I went out because Lexi was in bed, I knew she wouldn't. I went down stairs, opened the cabinet and swallowed every pill in there. I called my friend to come pick me up, because I did not want to die at the house. We went to a party, my friend knew what I had done, and she didn't tell anyone. The Dr's were amazed I made it through the night. My mom called and told me I needed to come home because she had to go to work. I went home, I remember laying on the couch, I can remember at one point my dad woke me up to change my daughters diaper.

Thank God this was at a time when my dad was home for a weekend. What happened next is only what I've been told. When my mom got home my dad told her I had just laid and slept on the couch all day. My mom woke me up and asked me what was wrong. I apparantly told her I had taken the pills and she called 911. My mom said when the EMT's came to get me they thought I was faking it because it had been so long since I had taken the pills. So they picked me up, told me to stand up and let me go. I fell to the floor hitting my head on the corner of the coffee table. Guess that made them realize I really was out of it.

At the hospital they shoved a huge tube down my nose ( I remember every bit of that pain) and pumped my stomach. That is the only part of the hospital ER that I remember. My mom said the Dr told her to call in family and friends because they didn't think I was going to make it through the night. Another hour at home and I would've been dead. They put me in ICU. I woke up some time during the night, and seen my dad sitting in the chair, asleep. He woke up, came over and seen I was alert. The pain on my dads face when he looked at me and said "Why, what did I do wrong?"

I'm sure you can imagine the pain that shot through my entire body at those words, because it was nothing he did wrong. He was a perfect father, the best parent anyone could ever ask for. For this I need to forgive myself.

Because I have so much I need to forgive myself and to spare you from reading an entire book in one post, I will continue this on Thursday.