Tuesday, August 24, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 3 - Part 1

Something you have to forgive yourself for. Part 1

I have a lot of things I need to forgive myself for. A lot of mistakes I have made through life and I beat myself up for. A lot of guilt for things I have said or done, yet can't let go even when others have forgiven or even forgotten. Not me I will never forget the look on someones face when I have hurt them.

When I was 17 I really did think life was so horrible it wasn't worth living. I had a daughter, I was young, and I couldn't support her on my own and I knew what that was doing to my parents. I felt like a horrible mom, I felt like a horrible daughter. I honestly felt the world would be a better place w/ out.

So I put my daughter to bed one night, went and asked my mom if she minded if I went out because Lexi was in bed, I knew she wouldn't. I went down stairs, opened the cabinet and swallowed every pill in there. I called my friend to come pick me up, because I did not want to die at the house. We went to a party, my friend knew what I had done, and she didn't tell anyone. The Dr's were amazed I made it through the night. My mom called and told me I needed to come home because she had to go to work. I went home, I remember laying on the couch, I can remember at one point my dad woke me up to change my daughters diaper.

Thank God this was at a time when my dad was home for a weekend. What happened next is only what I've been told. When my mom got home my dad told her I had just laid and slept on the couch all day. My mom woke me up and asked me what was wrong. I apparantly told her I had taken the pills and she called 911. My mom said when the EMT's came to get me they thought I was faking it because it had been so long since I had taken the pills. So they picked me up, told me to stand up and let me go. I fell to the floor hitting my head on the corner of the coffee table. Guess that made them realize I really was out of it.

At the hospital they shoved a huge tube down my nose ( I remember every bit of that pain) and pumped my stomach. That is the only part of the hospital ER that I remember. My mom said the Dr told her to call in family and friends because they didn't think I was going to make it through the night. Another hour at home and I would've been dead. They put me in ICU. I woke up some time during the night, and seen my dad sitting in the chair, asleep. He woke up, came over and seen I was alert. The pain on my dads face when he looked at me and said "Why, what did I do wrong?"

I'm sure you can imagine the pain that shot through my entire body at those words, because it was nothing he did wrong. He was a perfect father, the best parent anyone could ever ask for. For this I need to forgive myself.

Because I have so much I need to forgive myself and to spare you from reading an entire book in one post, I will continue this on Thursday.

14 comments:

  1. Wow, girl.....what a horrible experience. I'm glad you're in a better place emotionally these days. (At least I hope you are!)

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  2. wow...what a terrible thing to have to go through.
    Thank God you have such a great dad and supportive family

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  3. I'm sorry you were in such a bad spot in your life that you felt you had no other options. i can't imagine.

    (HUGS)

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  4. Its amazing the stories and experiences that build the the blocks of strength we now stand on.

    It speaks volumes that you are able to write about it.

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  5. I'm so sorry you had to go through that! Following from Monday Minute!
    Look forward to keeping up with your 30 day Journal.

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  6. I'm so sorry you went through something this horrible. I'm glad you came through and are able to write about it now. I can't imagine the pain you must have been in to do this.

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  7. It just breaks my heart completely to think that you were in such incredible pain that ending your life was something you wanted. I can't bear to know you were hurting like that. I'm so grateful that your life was spared, and that you're here with us today!

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  8. Forgiving ourselves for things is one of the hardest yet most important parts of life. Remember, they are things you've done, not who you are. Recognizing the need for forgiveness in oneself is so important to moving past the pain. I wish you the best in your journey. Hugs!

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  9. So sorry you had to go thru something so horrible. I'm glad that you're with us today.

    ((hugs))

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  10. I'm crying reading this. Over the weekend hubs and I had a horrible fight and for the first time ever I wondered what it would be like if I took all of my meds and was gone. But as fast as that thought entered my mind the faces of my boys entered too. I know that no matter how bad we fight I could never do that to my boys. I'm so glad you were able to make it through that terrible time.
    *HUGS*

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  11. Oh Melissa, this breaks my heart. You definitely had someone looking out for you and your family that horrible day. xxoo

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  12. oh wow. Like the last poster said - that breaks my heart. But I am so glad it all worked out well in the end.

    I think those feelings of being overwhelmed and not feeling good enough are a lot more universal than we think they are at the time (when we feel that way) - ESP as Moms. I'm so glad that someone was looking out for you.

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  13. Oh sweet girl. Thank God you got to the hospital in time. Life is so hard sometimes. I hope sharing and knowing we are all so happy to hear your story helps. Hugs to you.

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  14. I'm sorry that you felt that way and I am glad you survived to blog about it. God has bigger plans for you my friend!BIG HUGS!

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